THINGS A DOG MUST REMEMBER

1.  The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
2.   I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
3.   I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa, or under the bed.
4.   I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
5.   I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.
6.   I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.
7.   I will not throw up in the car.
8.   I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.
9.   "Kitty box crunchies," although they are tasty, are not food.
10.  I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the back yard after processing.
11.  The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
12.  I will not chew my humans' toothbrushes and not tell them.
13.  I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
14.  When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
15.  We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
16.  I will not steal Mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.
17.  The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom's & Dad's laps.
18.  My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
19.  I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
20.  I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
21.  I will not eat mint-flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage, to avoid having a string hanging out of my butt.
22.  I will not use "roll around in the dirt" as an option just after getting a bath.
23.  Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.
24.  I will not hump on any person's leg just because I think it is the right thing to do.
25.  I will not fart in my owners' faces while sleeping on the pillow next to their heads.
26.  I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
27.  The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply, and just because the water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner.
28.  I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is here.
29.  Suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room.
30.  The cat is not a squeaky toy, so when I play with him and when he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
-copied from http://www.c4vct.com/kym/humor/dogremem.htm